I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
