I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
