I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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