Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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