Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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