that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
