You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
