If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
