So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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