The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
