My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
