I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
