My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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