Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
