you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
