i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
