Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
