Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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