you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
