I'm sorry my penis didn't work
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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