it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
BRING THE BAGELS
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
