About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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