Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
