and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I will be naked everywhere
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
