the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
