I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I just found a bag of teeth...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
