New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let's get the cat blown out
my liver is dry heaving
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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