Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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