I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
