If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
