You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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