i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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