I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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