Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
