I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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