I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
How naked do you want me to be?
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