i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
