I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
