why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
