the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
