why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
