Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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