you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
