gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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