Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
