I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
