Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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