so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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