Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
