My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
from now on my penis is your penis
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
