Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
