Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
