All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
