all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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