tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just had sex on a roof
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You were trust falling into bushes
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize