WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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