We're like a lot better than the average bears
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
